With my last dying breath, I’d apologize for bleeding on your shoes.

Brendan took down my last post. At least–I think it was him. I can never be too sure. It seems like we are quite the dysfunctional family sometimes. Everyone working against everyone without a word. But, it is what it is and I’ll just deal with the bullshit.

Today is rough. The body is in a lot of pain. We’re popping (Did I mention that’s our word for switching alters?) so quickly that it’s a whirlwind of dizziness and pain. We need to go to the hospital. It’s been 6 days of ridiculous pain in our abdomen/pelvis and we still haven’t seen a doctor. I guess it doesn’t help when hospitals are part of the reason we exist. 

Cornbread (a code name since he’s big on social media) and I are trying to convince our host to let us go. We’ll deal with the hospital…we just want to make the pain go away. We want to help. But, she won’t hear it. I mean Cornbread hates hospitals, too…but he’s willing to go because of the pain. How do you deal with a fear of hospitals when you need to go to the hospital but don’t pull the strings? I mean…nobody likes hospitals….but we still put up with them and go to them when we’re sick. Why does she not apply to this? We all have a ability to go…but don’t want to face the consequences. When did we get our leashes cut this short? When did we become afraid of consequences? Wow, maybe we are growing up.

Cornbread said he’s going to go later regardless of the consequences. He values her health more than her fear or wrath. It’s noble really. I think that’s why I love him so much.

I can’t fucking focus. Like, I’m supposed to be getting college work done for classes tomorrow and I cannot fucking focus. Be it ADHD, the pain, or just a general lack of interest I can’t focus long enough to get anything done. I’m beginning to think I am cursed.

Well. Marn out.

A very bad idea.

This is a very fucking bad idea. The fact that this is so fucking open makes me cringe. The fact people we don’t know are reading this makes me sick. Are we some kind of joke to you? This is far too fucking risky.

Yet for some god forsaken reason I’m letting her do this. I’m letting the walls come down and allowing her to write about it. I don’t get to call all the shots-although most of the time it’d be better if I did. We share, so we all get the same amount of freedom as the rest. I guess. At least I was told about it.

As per request, I’m here to say hello and introduce myself. Not to mention check things out a bit.

So…hi. I’m Brendan. Guitar playing, overbearing, cynical asshole extraordinaire. Ever popular over-protective prick, schizotypical douchebag, and Mountain Dew enthusiast. 

My job here is done. 

B

If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar.

 I don’t know why I’m here, yet I’m increasingly finding myself out amongst the real world-instead of the cozy one within our head without the slightest notion of the reason why. Something has to be triggering me, causing me to come out here, but what? What is my purpose? This seems like quite the existential quest to most I suppose. However, I feel it’s something I deserve to know. Most of the Ohana knows why they’re here.

I only know bit and pieces of my personal existence. I can only assume what I come out for, but have no definitive reasoning behind any of it. It’s been driving me mad. 

We don’t go to a therapist or psychologist or anything. It’s just us-trying to work together. Struggling as our host blacks out more and more and has worst and worst memory gaps. I mean, we just lost our cellphone for 3 1/2 days because one of us put it somewhere and no one else in the system knew where. Things are getting decently bad, and I feel like we’re just hindering the poor girl. Maybe we should see a T…I don’t think Brendan would allow it. 

Only a few people know about us. People who were told on the spurr of a moment when Brendan couldn’t prevent it. I still remember when he tried to scare off her SO by pretending to be a demon possessing our body. That was hilariously uncalled for. Now there are three people who know. 2 friends and her SO. Of course, those two friends probably blabbed so more than likely more than that know.

I feel like seeing a T or telling her family, even if it’s jut her sister, would help her be able to handle the situations we’re putting her through. I don’t want her to be alone in this. As much as we’re in this together, we’re on entirely different planes of existence. I just want her to be happy. That’s all we’ve ever wanted.

Am I suppose to be happy if all I ever wanted comes with a price?

I guess I should start out by saying welcome to my site. You’re about to embark on a journey few have been permitted on.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is still something psychologists are struggling to understand. In fact, there is a huge debate on whether the disease is real or should even be in the DSM at all.  Formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder it’s pretty clear what it consists of.

Usually DID is brought on by intense amounts of trauma and abuse. Usually in adolescence. I’ve done a lot of research, because I want to better understand ourselves.

First things first:

I want to start out by saying that to my knowledge, and through conversations with the others, abuse is something that never happened to us. Unless someone holds these thoughts/memories we have yet to meet. Which is quite doubtful. As a whole, we were never sexually abused, or abused physically at all. At least in this form. The only thing we can think of that caused us to become ourselves is the lack of childhood communication and persistent bullying/verbal abuse from peers and older family members our host experienced as a child. It is to my knowledge that only two people hold these memories, and I’ve only picked up bits and pieces. So, ignorance is bliss, I suppose. You see, only a few of us know exactly why we are here… and know what trigger us. I, myself, not being one of them.

For those ignorant to the ways of DID…welcome. As a bit of background, the DSM (what psychologists use to classify and diagnose various mental disorders and diseases) classifies DID as a disorder showing:

A. The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self).

B. At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person’s behavior.

C. Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

D. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., blackouts or chaotic behavior during Alcohol Intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures).

To answer your first question, yes, I am an alter. I’ve been known by many things in my lifetime here. I’ve been many things; constantly changing has always been something I’ve been known for. To answer your second question, yes, alters all have our own history. To us it is very real, although it might not be to you or make any sense. We are all our own people. My ohana (what we call our system) likes to think of it as different energies trapped in the same place. It’s what makes the most sense to us, anyway. If you’re another alter or host reading this and have a different view, that’s fine. We aren’t trying to push our view on anyone, just share it.

My Own History:

Currently my name is Marn, short for Marina. I’ve changed it a few times, for reasons unspoken. I’m originally from Italy, born on December 24th, 1990. I have a large family, a few of which are other alters within our ohana whom I sure you will meet at some point or another. I grew up separated from two of my brothers because of family issues we had, things I’d rather not discuss this early on. So, in essence, growing up I only had one brother; Mirko. We had a fairly decent upbringing, returning to the rest of our family on holiday. I’m not entirely close with any of my family.

About me (alter-wise):

I was the “fifth” alter created by our host. I’m not sure why, just one day I was here. I came to be when our host was in late elementary school. Things had been pretty rough. Family in the hospital, loneliness consuming her constantly, I just took over. I seem to come out when loneliness and depression begins to consume us again. At least, that’s what I believe to be the reason.

 Final Thoughts:

It is my hope that I will be able to use this blog to explain us more and talk about our ohana. It’s scary to be so open about such things, but it’s something I feel needs to be done.

I have bad feelings about this, but it’s done with good intention.